Why I’m Writing from Trauma to Truth
Why am I writing this blog? It’s a good question and something that’s been on my mind lately. To Trauma Brag? No, I hate talking, and often even writing about my problems. I often find it humiliating. If you are an anxiety riddled empath who has subjected yourself to any form of group therapy, you can relate. Is writing cathartic? It absolutely can be, at times. But the subject matter, reliving life experiences, analyzing who I am can also be a trigger. Is it helping others? We are all unique, whether we share trauma and anxiety or not. It is our psyche and nervous systems that tell us when it’s safe to make progress. I can provide information. Everyone has their own process, and I’m in no position to give advice. Let me be clear: I am not a medical professional. I am an empath who has been diagnosed with CPTSD that manifests itself in a constant and often crippling panic disorder. I was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder by several psychiatrists when that was all the rage. But at the time of that diagnosis, I was dealing with rehabilitating a substance abuse disorder. I am now 15 years sober. I rarely suffer from depression, and I often suspect the manic behavior I have is from misdiagnosis and the non-productive and mostly harmful prescriptions I took for a disorder I’m not sure I even have.
The Truth
I’m writing this blog because I can. After years of believing I was incapable—of stepping outside, holding a job, or standing up for myself—I discovered that I am stronger than I ever imagined. Even though anxiety, panic, and trauma still affect me, I am not defined by them. I can move forward, I can endure, and I can reassemble after I fall apart. My journey is not about being completely healed or perfect, but about recognizing my resilience and embracing progress, no matter how chaotic. I can choose self-preservation over guilt, I can accept myself for who I am. I have unique experiences, weaknesses and strengths. The truth is, I am capable, and so are you.
Being hyper perceptive, hypersensitive, and hypervigilant. Having the ability to sense pain in others and an almost unquenchable thirst to heal that pain at any cost to myself resulted in an unhealthy existence. The truth is, I still have so much to learn and overcome.
The realization that there was a reason for who I am, my mental and emotional disorders that cause these disadvantages, was a breakthrough in and of itself. I have never personally met anyone exactly like me. But the realization that similar people have the same personality traits I struggle with is simultaneously disheartening and comforting. It gave me the interest and inventory to start my journey of self-discovery.
Remember, healing is different for everyone. There is no one-size- fits- all way to cope with stress. And your mental health is yours alone. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. There is not a psychiatrist or psychologist or preacher or person on earth who can know how I think or feel. And no one has the right to tell me how to change and progress. I don’t judge myself on how often I fall apart. Instead, I focus on the strength it takes to reassemble. My weaknesses can always be used as strengths.
I no longer feel guilty for being myself. I am blunt and honest. I learned why I can be cold and detached. I don’t outsource myself to make others comfortable anymore. Their comfort is no longer my concern and was never my responsibility. My quality of life is what is important. This is not selfishness, it’s self-preservation. Guilt for having these disorders is never productive. Beware of those who sense your propensity for guilt and try to use it against you.
You can.
The exhaustion of unyielding anxiety… the pressurized speech that can sometimes run as fast as the thoughts that process information at the speed of a $10,000 gaming PC, can leave us in a very confused state. Used, reused, recycled, rinse and repeat. Constant damage to a psyche can and will result in physical health problems in certain people.
Most empaths can read a room. Most learn to do so from a very young age. A subtle facial expression, the slightest body movement, voice inflection… these things alone may as well be screams to certain empaths. You identify everyone’s anxiety, sadness, anger, discomfort and dishonesty. Handy if you have jury duty. Lucrative if you’re functional enough to practice law and your job is to select the jury candidates. But you don’t just identify the emotions of others, you absorb them. Adding it to your own emotional state. It is overwhelming.
Isolation, silence and solitude are necessary for you to recalibrate. And your friends and loved ones need to understand this as well. Lose guilt. You are not lazy, weak or useless. Your batteries need recharged. And your mind needs to separate their emotions from your own. This is necessary. This is healthy. Your nervous system is forcing you to defend yourself. Silence and solitude are also the perfect opportunity to analyze yourself as well as the behavior of others so you can recognize this danger immediately. And make plans on how to better cope with it. Put your thoughts on paper. You can learn to live with this. You can endure your own rapid thinking. You can prevent the dire patterns you are able to predict. You are not paranoid. You are not broken. You are burdened by a specific skill set that makes you beautiful and rare.
Progress is Never Easy
If you have read this far, I assume you can relate to something I’ve written. It’s simplified, but keep in mind that this is a blog. And attention spans are in short supply. There is nothing simple about it. Keep checking in. I have experienced decades of trauma and anxiety. But please do not misunderstand. My entire existence often feels difficult to me. The most menial tasks can still feel impossible. And if you relate, it will continue to be difficult. But we must learn to live. Currently some of us are just surviving. And life is too short to waste.
Even my inconsistent improvement has taken years of work. But what is the alternative? Will we die from a wasted life of being at the mercy of other people? At the mercy of an unexplainable fear? This world needs people with the capacity for deep feelings. It needs those with the ability to detect con artists, manipulators and energy vampires. What this world needs most are empathetic people who know how to navigate suffering. To set boundaries. To have the ruthless ability to turn your back and walk away from selfish people. And to discern who is dangerous and who is simply not understanding what you are going through. This blog is for those who wish to understand us better as well.
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